odi et nunc amo

by Siovahn A. Walker

midnight finds me still pressing the hand upon the heart
that from the very beginning was but a feeble guard
against the welter of suppression which has yet to show
that shunting is truly the best pretence when odi et nunc amo

I encounter suggestions that would bleed if turned away
so there is little genuine question about what scheme will end-prevail
yet that one impulse may mount the other, providing food to grow
I press on through thronging perturbations, as odi,nunc amo

but such action belies the incertitude of my macabre resign
and makes it seem that I hold fast despite the changing tides
that wiser than a Solomon, I'm all constancy in vote
able to rule myself withal, though odi et nunc amo

but truth is far more weary, it is a great deal more unkind
for what I feel and what I show are not of jointed mind
and this persevering silence is a servant of my woe
I linger here not from design, but because odi et nunc amo

indeed, if I could regain my first impressions and still abominate
I would be easier after dark, more certain of my fate
but now that body hungers after what it first did loathe
there are no easy answers, and though odi, nunc amo

so you may bear me witness, (if you've not already sojourned here)
know that this is a quandary not to be wished upon a hated peer
for prior opinion lingers, with all the reasons that it loved
side by side with novel ardour, for the one who odi et nunc amo

indeed I'm less a union than a corporeal dissent
with heart and mind on different sides of that proverbial offence
I crave what I reviled, then reject what I once chose
adult and child, unfurled and filed, odi et nunc amo

© 2007 by Siovahn A. Walker


About the Author

Siovahn A. Walker is a novelist and poet currently completing her Ph.D in medieval history at Stanford University. She teaches composition at Fordham University in New York City and most recently finished a collection of historical poetry and short fiction entitled Clio & Erato.



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